Ladies and gentleman, if you’re like me, you’ve noticed a precipitous rise in dickweeds recently. I set out to do a thorough examination of the problem, the results of which I would like to share with you today.
The first question one must ask when exploring the dickweed problem is, “Are you born a dickweed or is it a choice?” If people were born dickweeds, then they should be treated like any other unpalatable minority, for example lepers. But if being a dickweed is a choice, then, by society’s standards, they deserve nothing less than our constant shame and scorn.
We must address the dickweed problem before it reaches epic proportions. Dickweeds are responsible for a 75% rise in vaginal dryness. Dickweeds are involved in 80% of all violent crimes that occur in fast food drive-thrus. Every 22 seconds a dickweed vandalizes a church or a preschool, perhaps.
Unsurprisingly, dickweeds do not consider themselves to be a problem. When confronted with the results of my study, most dickweeds said “Dude that’s faggy” or “My balls your mouth, bitch!” One dickweed mimed masturbating, and then he mimed this thing where his ejaculate spewed into the air and flew away like a flock of birds, and he waved goodbye to his ejaculate.
How did dickweeds come to be such a problem? Some people believe that dickweeds were released into the suburban population by the CIA in the mid 90s to spur growth in the prison, military, and collegiate athletic sectors. But even if true, this would not explain the vast numbers of dickweeds in every other demographic of American society.
Regardless of the cause, it is clear that the proliferation of dickweeds is now supported by deeply entrenched corporate interests. The body spray industry alone can account for a 23% rise in new dickweeds over the last five years, probably. Sponsors of sitcoms where a dumb fat guy has a smart hot wife have extended the demographic reach of dickweeds far into middle age. By comparison, these same sitcoms have only accounted for a 5% rise in Scientology over the same period of time, though some would consider that a lagging indicator.
According to my calculations, reducing dickweeds by just 20% would save our federal government 11 billion dollars, maybe. That’s billion with a “B.” To put it another way, that’s an “11” then a bunch of zeroes behind it, like three more zeroes than there is for a million.
So what can be done? I have examined the problem from every angle, and all I can ask of you, dear colleague, is to CHOKE ON DESE NUTS BEEYOTCH!! YEAH!! BOOYAH-KASHA!! WHADUP NOW!!!