A Preponderance of Dickweeds

Ladies and gentleman, if you’re like me, you’ve noticed a precipitous rise in dickweeds recently. I set out to do a thorough examination of the problem, the results of which I would like to share with you today.
The first question one must ask when exploring the dickweed problem is, “Are you born a dickweed or is it a choice?” If people were born dickweeds, then they should be treated like any other unpalatable minority, for example lepers. But if being a dickweed is a choice, then, by society’s standards, they deserve nothing less than our constant shame and scorn.
We must address the dickweed problem before it reaches epic proportions. Dickweeds are responsible for a 75% rise in vaginal dryness. Dickweeds are involved in 80% of all violent crimes that occur in fast food drive-thrus. Every 22 seconds a dickweed vandalizes a church or a preschool, perhaps.
Unsurprisingly, dickweeds do not consider themselves to be a problem. When confronted with the results of my study, most dickweeds said “Dude that’s faggy” or “My balls your mouth, bitch!” One dickweed mimed masturbating, and then he mimed this thing where his ejaculate spewed into the air and flew away like a flock of birds, and he waved goodbye to his ejaculate.
How did dickweeds come to be such a problem? Some people believe that dickweeds were released into the suburban population by the CIA in the mid 90s to spur growth in the prison, military, and collegiate athletic sectors. But even if true, this would not explain the vast numbers of dickweeds in every other demographic of American society.
Regardless of the cause, it is clear that the proliferation of dickweeds is now supported by deeply entrenched corporate interests. The body spray industry alone can account for a 23% rise in new dickweeds over the last five years, probably. Sponsors of sitcoms where a dumb fat guy has a smart hot wife have extended the demographic reach of dickweeds far into middle age. By comparison, these same sitcoms have only accounted for a 5% rise in Scientology over the same period of time, though some would consider that a lagging indicator.
According to my calculations, reducing dickweeds by just 20% would save our federal government 11 billion dollars, maybe. That’s billion with a “B.” To put it another way, that’s an “11” then a bunch of zeroes behind it, like three more zeroes than there is for a million.
So what can be done? I have examined the problem from every angle, and all I can ask of you, dear colleague, is to CHOKE ON DESE NUTS BEEYOTCH!! YEAH!! BOOYAH-KASHA!! WHADUP NOW!!!

headlining laffhole this wednesday

Animation Project

Here's a little project by my friend Taryn, I supplied some "content"...you can see my bits at 5:25 and 11:00.

good memory, bad memory. from taryn graham on Vimeo.

Da Mystery of Hoggjumpin'

Dog Inspired by Obama's Acceptance Speech

In the final moments of Barack Obama's historic acceptance speech, our dog Wheezy was inspired to break free of her own historic barriers. Watch thru to the end!

New Marketing Plan

Portrait of a Seattle Comic Part III

This month's subject is Derek Sheen, who will be headlining Joketellers Union at the Faire Gallery Cafe FRIDAY June 27.

Vic Pallone's Optical Illusions For Classy Broads

(turn monitor over for answer)

Portrait of a Seattle Comic part II

This month's subject: Owen Straw. He'll be headlining at Joketellers Union Friday, May 30th @ the Faire Gallery Cafe.

Next Tuesday

Di's 31st!

Come celebrate with us!

Another pic from Di's show

Here's a better pic of the installation from Diana's show at the McLeod Residence, home of the charming poodle Charles. Photo courtesy of the Stranger blog:


Behind Time Even Sweeter (2008), screen-printed wallpaper, confectioner sugar icing, acrylic media, gouache, and spackle, 6.5 feet by 13 feet

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Introducing...MC Rebel Cleric

I'm On Flickr!

So I've started a Flickr photostream! Pop over there and check it out. The newest set is some pics I took at the talented and intoxicating Diana Falchuk's art opening last Friday at the McLeod Residence The largest piece in this showing of new work was a wall-sized installation in which Di altered and corrupted the trademark McLeod wallpaper with cake frosting. The below photo doesn't begin to do it justice, it's really something:


On my Flickr stream you'll also find lots of random pics I've been taking with my new digital camera. Stuff like this:



and this:



and also this:



Go check it out!