whole new drag

A Preponderance of Dickweeds

2010-02-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentleman, if you’re like me, you’ve noticed a precipitous rise in dickweeds recently. I set out to do a thorough examination of the problem, the results of which I would like to share with you today.
The first question one must ask when exploring the dickweed problem is, “Are you born a dickweed or is it a choice?” If people were born dickweeds, then they should be treated like any other unpalatable minority, for example lepers. But if being a dickweed is a choice, then, by society’s standards, they deserve nothing less than our constant shame and scorn.
We must address the dickweed problem before it reaches epic proportions. Dickweeds are responsible for a 75% rise in vaginal dryness. Dickweeds are involved in 80% of all violent crimes that occur in fast food drive-thrus. Every 22 seconds a dickweed vandalizes a church or a preschool, perhaps.
Unsurprisingly, dickweeds do not consider themselves to be a problem. When confronted with the results of my study, most dickweeds said “Dude that’s faggy” or “My balls your mouth, bitch!” One dickweed mimed masturbating, and then he mimed this thing where his ejaculate spewed into the air and flew away like a flock of birds, and he waved goodbye to his ejaculate.
How did dickweeds come to be such a problem? Some people believe that dickweeds were released into the suburban population by the CIA in the mid 90s to spur growth in the prison, military, and collegiate athletic sectors. But even if true, this would not explain the vast numbers of dickweeds in every other demographic of American society.
Regardless of the cause, it is clear that the proliferation of dickweeds is now supported by deeply entrenched corporate interests. The body spray industry alone can account for a 23% rise in new dickweeds over the last five years, probably. Sponsors of sitcoms where a dumb fat guy has a smart hot wife have extended the demographic reach of dickweeds far into middle age. By comparison, these same sitcoms have only accounted for a 5% rise in Scientology over the same period of time, though some would consider that a lagging indicator.
According to my calculations, reducing dickweeds by just 20% would save our federal government 11 billion dollars, maybe. That’s billion with a “B.” To put it another way, that’s an “11” then a bunch of zeroes behind it, like three more zeroes than there is for a million.
So what can be done? I have examined the problem from every angle, and all I can ask of you, dear colleague, is to CHOKE ON DESE NUTS BEEYOTCH!! YEAH!! BOOYAH-KASHA!! WHADUP NOW!!!

headlining laffhole this wednesday

2009-05-02T15:28:00.001-07:00

Animation Project

2009-05-01T18:07:00.001-07:00

Here's a little project by my friend Taryn, I supplied some "content"...you can see my bits at 5:25 and 11:00.

good memory, bad memory. from taryn graham on Vimeo.

Da Mystery of Hoggjumpin'

2009-03-27T10:13:00.001-07:00

Dog Inspired by Obama's Acceptance Speech

2008-11-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

In the final moments of Barack Obama's historic acceptance speech, our dog Wheezy was inspired to break free of her own historic barriers. Watch thru to the end!

New Marketing Plan

2008-10-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

Portrait of a Seattle Comic Part III

2008-06-15T17:13:00.001-07:00

This month's subject is Derek Sheen, who will be headlining Joketellers Union at the Faire Gallery Cafe FRIDAY June 27.

Vic Pallone's Optical Illusions For Classy Broads

2008-05-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

(turn monitor over for answer)

Portrait of a Seattle Comic part II

2008-05-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

This month's subject: Owen Straw. He'll be headlining at Joketellers Union Friday, May 30th @ the Faire Gallery Cafe.

Next Tuesday

2008-05-06T23:29:00.000-07:00

Di's 31st!

2008-04-25T16:18:00.001-07:00

Come celebrate with us!

Another pic from Di's show

2008-04-17T23:30:00.000-07:00

Here's a better pic of the installation from Diana's show at the McLeod Residence, home of the charming poodle Charles. Photo courtesy of the Stranger blog:

Behind Time Even Sweeter (2008), screen-printed wallpaper, confectioner sugar icing, acrylic media, gouache, and spackle, 6.5 feet by 13 feet

?

2008-04-17T23:01:00.001-07:00

Introducing...MC Rebel Cleric

2008-04-17T23:00:00.001-07:00

I'm On Flickr!

2008-04-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

So I've started a Flickr photostream! Pop over there and check it out. The newest set is some pics I took at the talented and intoxicating Diana Falchuk's art opening last Friday at the McLeod Residence The largest piece in this showing of new work was a wall-sized installation in which Di altered and corrupted the trademark McLeod wallpaper with cake frosting. The below photo doesn't begin to do it justice, it's really something:

On my Flickr stream you'll also find lots of random pics I've been taking with my new digital camera. Stuff like this:

and this:

and also this:

Go check it out!

search logs

2008-02-25T23:42:00.000-08:00

Every once in awhile, I check the ol' sitemeter just to see who's been clicking here, and from where, and why. One thing I've noticed is that I get an inordinate amount of hits from people who are doing an image search for the term "banana hammock." What refers them here is this post, in which I mention the fact that I am appearing at Owen Straw's now-defunct monthly comedy show at the ReBar on my birthday. The show was called "Owen Straw's Banana Hammock."

The thing is, my blog probably gets fully a quarter of its hits from people doing a Google image search for "banana hammock." So I just wanted to take this opportunity to say "banana hammock" on my blog a few more times, just in case I'm missing out on that last scrap of the demographic of people who want to see men in ridiculous European swim suits. So there you have it: Banana Hammock Banana Hammock Banana Hammock

Vic Pallone's Optical Illusions

2008-02-18T23:27:00.000-08:00

The Wit and Wisdom of Our Nation's Youth

2008-02-18T22:26:00.001-08:00

What's that thing?

2007-12-27T21:31:00.000-08:00

faces

2007-12-27T20:51:00.000-08:00

Just some sketches of faces to tide the blog over after slacking off for a while. I particularly like the guy on the right.

I will be back soon with more art and some prose too.

Portrait of a Seattle Comic

2007-12-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

The first in an ongoing series. This month's subject: Daniel Carroll.

squirrel

2007-10-31T20:37:00.000-07:00

i don't miss much

2007-10-29T21:14:00.001-07:00

new painting

2007-10-16T18:26:00.001-07:00

Angry Glyph

2007-10-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

Larvae Gang

2007-10-09T19:36:00.001-07:00

Monday nIGHT!

2007-09-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

Folks, come see me perform at the possibly historic SUNSET TAVERN in Ballard THIS MONDAY NIGHT (Sept 24)! I'll be sharing the stage with some of the finest laughcrafters in Seattle!

Insensate Creature #1

2007-09-19T21:03:00.001-07:00

the affair

2007-09-19T17:57:00.001-07:00

bar scene

2007-09-19T17:56:00.002-07:00

joker

2007-09-19T17:56:00.001-07:00

Dusty's Boy

2007-09-19T17:55:00.003-07:00

hipsters

2007-09-19T17:55:00.001-07:00

kids

2007-09-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

Pawpaw

2007-08-24T01:28:00.001-07:00

Bird Map

2007-08-02T22:40:00.001-07:00

Scrapdoodle

2007-08-02T22:39:00.000-07:00

Threat or Promise?

2007-08-02T22:31:00.001-07:00

Dan Moore Speaks

2007-07-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

Today's guest is Seattle comedy mainstay and Whole New Drag friend Dan Moore.

doodle

2007-07-21T19:09:00.001-07:00

I like this little creature I drew.

Comedy This Friday

2007-07-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

This Friday, (July 27th) I'll be performing at Derek Sheen's monthly comedy show at the Mars Bar, Making Strangers Laugh. Personally, I don't care whether you come or not, but I am worried that once you realize what you've missed out on, you'll never forgive yourself, and life will become an unrelenting nightmare of sadness and regret from which you can never awake.

Come join the fun!

Coffee Enema

2007-07-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

Sweet Remains

2007-07-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

The lovely, talented, and vivacious Diana Falchuk has an art show at Crawl Space Gallery that closes this weekend. If you don't check it out between noon and 5 this Saturday/Sunday, you'll be missing an opportunity to have your optical neurons tickled by some of the most beguiling and inventive sculptural works you're likely to see in a Seattle art gallery this year. Check out what the Stranger's Jen Graves has to say about it here.

Diana (full disclosure: she's my girlfriend) takes old bits of organic matter, scraps of fabric, and other detritus, and works them into tiny hybrids and conglomerations that defy description. I've spent some time at Crawl Space while the show is running and I have to say, this is the type of work makes people stop and scrutinize and invent little narratives for each of the pieces and generally just leave the gallery all stimulated and bemused. Check It Out, Folks.

Sweet Remains: Diana Falchuk

Brett Comix on Rivet Blog

2007-07-05T14:04:00.001-07:00

Neat! I've got a couple of comics posted over at the Rivet Magazine blog. Rivet is an arts & culture magazine published right here in Seattle and edited by Whole New Drag friend Leah Baltus.

(p.s. According to Rivetblog commenter and Republican comedy expert Brian, the image of a fetal Dick Cheney chewing thru the womb of his host-mother and feasting on rabbit entrails just isn't "over-the-top" enough.)

Banana Hammock

2007-06-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

Here's how I'll be spending July 10th, my 32nd birthday: performing onstage at the ReBar alongside some of Seattle's most shit-hot comedians at Owen Straw's Banana Hammock!

Didja Know?

2007-06-29T11:47:00.001-07:00

It's true: about 99.97% of all webcomics are just terrible. For every one Achewood, there's about 1000 creepy manga fanboy webcomics about furry transgendered orc-rape. Now, the thing is, I probably wouldn't have ever realized how entertaining this utterly repellent drivel could be if it weren't for someone starting a blog with the express purpose of ridiculing said webcomics. If you're into that sort of thing, go check out Your Webcomic Is Bad and You Should Feel Bad.

Sean Ottey Speaks

2007-06-28T23:21:00.002-07:00

This is Number Two in a series of guest comics by Seattle standup comedy luminaries. This one is by a WholeNewDrag friend and favorite, Sean Ottey. (Sidenote: I will be performing with Sean at Dave's Tavern in Milton, WA on Saturday night. If you're in the area of Milton and happen to be out on bail, come see us!)

The Fist-Pumping Schmidts

2007-06-19T23:30:00.001-07:00

The first in a continuing series of guest-hosted strips. Thanks to the author,Matt Schmidt

Comedy Show Fri 29th

2007-06-19T14:25:00.001-07:00

For my Seattle friends:

I will be performing at the Faire Gallery Cafe FRIDAY JUNE 29th. It's on Capitol Hill, near the Olive off-ramp.

I'll be joined by your host for the evening, Blue from Harlem, along with the enigmatic Carrington, the amazing Aziza Diaz, the explosive Derek Sheen, the irrepressible Andy Haynes, and the inimitable Owen Straw. It's a pants-crappingly hilarious cavalcade of funny comics, folks.

More Good Webcomix

2007-06-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

The Ego & The Squid

The Perry Bible Fellowship

Netflix

2007-06-12T21:46:00.001-07:00

Seattle Standup

2007-06-12T20:16:00.001-07:00

Here's my pal Sean Ottey's website. He's a funny guy and he posts alot about local comedy shows, being sure to make it sound like we kill packed houses, night after night. It's hard work, folks.

Another Recc

2007-06-12T19:28:00.000-07:00

Towering above the vast wasteland of drivel that is the Internet, there stands one webcomic, mighty and imposing on the horizon, a beacon of pure and delirious hilarity. If you are a person who values mirth and you have not yet read this webcomic, rend your garments, o ye people, for you are about to be introduced to one of my favorite things:

Achewood.

Good webcomix

2007-06-12T18:23:00.000-07:00

I've really been enjoying this guy's work lately:

Goodbye, Foom

Upper Bastardia

2007-06-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

Dept. of Batshit Crazy Racists

2007-06-07T21:29:00.001-07:00

I found this on a telephone pole near my house on Wallingford Ave. What is this, Alabama 1963? p.s. the website advertised is truly nutcakes.

Eyebrows

2007-06-07T20:16:00.001-07:00

Actual Perversions #35

2007-06-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

Whiskey

2007-06-04T16:12:00.001-07:00

Call waiting

2007-06-04T16:09:00.001-07:00

Ephemera

2007-05-29T23:35:00.000-07:00

A short short story I wrote a while back:

"As A Breed"

In The News

2007-05-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

Actual Conversation

2007-05-28T18:05:00.001-07:00

Actual Perversions

2007-05-25T10:13:00.002-07:00

The Act of Creation

2007-05-25T10:13:00.001-07:00

The Mind of the Artist

2007-05-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

Art.

2007-05-22T09:01:00.001-07:00

Dogshit.

2007-05-22T09:00:00.001-07:00

Grab life.

2007-05-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

Healer

2007-05-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

Just get crazy people!

2007-05-20T22:47:00.001-07:00

It's so on.

2007-05-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

It begins.

2007-05-20T17:37:00.001-07:00